Kids Are Not Punny
by Perminator
Summary: Hogwarts runs into technical difficulties, and their only route of escape is with the help of Rosie O'Donnell. Unfortunatly, they have to sit through a taping of her show.


Pooter the Hedgehog Farmer has given me a challenge...beware! The rules were:  
  
1. Hagrid and Rosie O'Donnell are the main characters. (Okay, so Rosie as a main character works, also)  
2. Trent Reznor (or King Reznor to you) is in it, and Pooter is his footstool.  
3. Dobby impregnates Harry. (Or the other way around)  
4. Octopuses take over Hogwarts for a day.  
5. Brad Pitt has to fights a penguin.  
  
This will be...uh...interesting. As you know, I do not own any of these characters, and Pooter owns the insane rules. Wish me luck!  
  
***  
  
It was a rainy day at Hogwarts, and all of the students were forbidden to go outside.  
  
"Gee golly, gee whiz, I wanted to go talk to Hagrid today!" Harry frowned.  
  
"Now you know, we don't have an umbrella, so we can't go outside. We might catch a cold!" Hermione pointed out.  
  
"Oh, fu-" but Ron was rudely interrupted by Hagrid running into the Great Hall.  
  
"They be after me hut!" Hagrid yelled, out of breath.  
  
"Settle down, settle down, who is after your hut?" Dumbledore questioned.  
  
"The octopussies! I can't get 'em away! They be headin' this way too!" Hagrid had a morbid look on his face.  
  
Before anyone could react, there was a horrendous banging on the front doors. Girls screamed while most of the boys backed into the corner.  
  
The authority figures tried casting stunning spells onto the octopuses, but they just made a sound the mistakenly sounded like a laugh, and went on destroying things.  
  
"What do we do?" Professor Flitwick screeched.  
  
Dumbledore had a look of triumph, "Out the back door!"  
  
All the students, professors, ghosts, house-elves, ghost-like things, animals, and staircases gathered together; they then ran out the tiny backdoor.  
  
"I am so scared!" Ron huddled up to Harry.  
  
"Look!" A Slytherin first year pointed to the sky. In the sky, there were hundreds of helicopters that had the words 'CBS' painted on their side.  
  
"CBS?" Draco Malfoy whined. "Why some is some American Muggle television station flying over Hogwarts?"  
  
"Look!" Another Slytherin first year pointed to the sky. A big blob with a parachute extruding from it was plummeting towards the ground.  
  
The big blob fell to the ground, looked up, and smiled. "I see you're all in a little bit of trouble!"  
  
Hagrid batted his eyelashes, "Yer Rosie O'Donnell, aren't yeh?"  
  
"Yes I am!" The Blob cheered, "And I see you all need some rescuing from those octopuses in the front yard! Insert fake Rosie O'Donnell laugh."  
  
"How...how...how?" Neville stammered. Dumbledore hit him on the back; Neville continued, "How can you see us?"  
  
Rosie winked, "We at CBS have a little magic in us. That's why Survivor was so popular!"  
  
Murmurs of approval erupted throughout the crowd.   
  
"Where are you headed?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"To our new studio in some English town most Americans have never heard of! Insert fake Rosie O'Donnell laugh"  
  
Dumbledore nodded, and took out his wand. He shrank all of the pupils and non-pupils who were escaping the school, and shoved them all into a suitcase. He and Rosie strapped on a rocket-booster and flew to the helicopters.  
  
"So, Rosie," Dumbledore said, wanting to make small talk. "What brings you to Great Britain?"  
  
Rosie inserted a fake laugh, "We at CBS need to expand, or else we'll never win anyone's approval. So, we're bringing our best acts out and try to get off guard Brits to move to the United State of America!"  
  
She saluted and an American flag came down from no where and waved. The flag retreated, and Rosie sat down and took a sip from her coffee mug. "I would like your students to come to my show...FOR FREE!"  
  
"Who will be appearing?" Dumbledore asked, looking slightly interested.  
  
Rosie inserted a big and fake smile. "The newly appointed King Reznor and his loyal footstool, the world's first half house elf and half child, and Brad Pitt and his penguin fighting skills to promote his new move Ocean's Eleven."  
  
Dumbledore plainly nodded. Oh my, these poor children, he thought to himself; they will be haunted for the rest of their lives! Though, I have heard King Reznor's footstool is quite a specimen.   
  
"It's a deal," He smiled, "I do not know what we would do without CBS!"  
  
-Wink, wink, nudge, nudge-  
  
After a half an hour, or so, the helicopters landed at an old, run down shack with a peeling CBS logo on the front door.  
  
Rosie inserted a fake laugh, "Home sweet home!"  
  
They walked into the old, run down shack; the place was marvelously decorated with marble, gold chandlers, and Survivor memorabilia. Dumbledore opened the trunk, and returned all the escapees to their normal size.  
  
"AGH!" Professor Snape screamed. "This is CBS!"  
  
Rosie smiled, "Damn right it is. Take a seat everyone, the show is about to begin."  
  
Rosie walked over to sit at her desk, when annoying music came on. One of the producers grabbed Neville for the introduction.  
  
"H-h-hi!" Neville stuttered, "Y-your watching R-Rosie O'Donnell on C-CBS!"  
  
The producer gave him a thumbs up sign, and he embarrassingly sat down in his seat. The camera panned over the students, and Rosie flashed yet another annoying smile.  
  
"HI!" She yelled, making everyone jump. "On today's show we have Tipsy the half house elf and half human, King Reznor and his loyal footstool Pooter, and Brad Pitt!"  
  
The crowd cheered reluctantly. "Who has ever heard of Brad Pitt?" Draco whispered to Goyle.  
  
Goyle shrugged, "Ooh! King Reznor's footstool! I have a crush on her!"  
  
Draco smiled faintly.  
  
"OUR FIRST GUEST!" Rosie yelled, making the Hogwarts students jump out of their seats, "Is a very rare fellow indeed. Please meet Tipsy, and her mother, Dobby!"  
  
They audience clapped politely, and a 3 foot tall half house elf and half human waltzed out with Dobby, the ever so annoying (It depends on how you look at it) house elf.  
  
"HELLO!" Rosie screamed, trying to sound polite.  
  
"Hello, Ms. O'Donnell!" Dobby replied, smiling.  
  
"Tipsy scared of big blob that yells!" Tipsy said to her mother.  
  
"Dobby not want to be here."  
  
Rosie inserted a fake smile, "Just tell us how it happened, and we will get on to our next guest."  
  
"Dobby have crush on...."  
  
Harry groaned from the audience, knowing what Dobby was going to say. Luckily, as she was saying his name, a mountain lion fell from the rafters. The producers quickly shooed it away.  
  
"....So four months ago, I found Tipsy in a dumpster and vaguely remember what happened. Now Tipsy and I work are production assistants for the band Static X."  
  
Rosie wiped a tear from her eye, "That is so touching. Now for our next guest...coming to theaters in December is a movie starring Brad Pitt and has nothing to do with penguins."  
  
Brad Pitt walked out and smiled.   
  
"Do tell us what your new movie is about," Rosie tried to sound sincere.  
  
He tried to smile, "It's not about penguins."  
  
Rosie tried to look ecstatic, "Wow! Will you fight a penguin then?"  
  
"Uh...sure," he said reluctantly.  
  
A penguin waddled out onto the stage. It made penguin noises and began to eat left over popcorn on the floor. Brad walked over and gave it a small punch and a kick. The penguin fell over, got back up and walked off the stage.  
  
"Uh...can I go now?" Brad asked.  
  
Rosie gave him an evil look, but quickly replaced it with a smile, hoping no one would tell, "Sure! We'll all go and make sure we see your movie!"  
  
"OUR NEXT GUEST!" Rosie yelled, waking up half of the sleeping audience. "Is the newly appointed King Reznor of...wherever, and his newly appointed footstool, Pooter the Hedgehog Farmer."  
  
They both walked out, King Reznor sat in a chair, while Pooter the Hedgehog Farmer crouched into a fetal position; King Reznor placed his feet upon her.  
  
"Hello!" Rosie said, "What is up?"  
  
"Nothing," King Reznor said, his eyes darting around the room, trying to find something more exciting.  
  
"How did you get a job as a footstool?" Rosie asked Pooter.  
  
She smiled, "I took a test. It was easy. It had nothing to do with anything, but it was easy."  
  
Rosie tapped her pen on her desk, trying to think of a new question, but even her guests were now falling asleep.  
  
"WELL!" She yelled, waking all in the building up unexpectedly, "That concludes our show!"  
  
Dumbledore sighed, "I suppose the Filch has things under control by now."  
  
He shrank all of the Hogwartians and threw them all, carefully, into the battered suitcase. He strapped on the jet back he used before and flew off to the school.  
  
Once back, he let all out of the suitcase, and returned them to full size. Dumbledore looked at his watch, "I suppose it's time for dinner."  
  
They walked sullenly back to the castle, while Minerva McGonagall caught up with Dumbledore.  
  
She smiled politely, "Do you think they will be traumatized forever?"  
  
THE END!  
  
***  
Well, Pooter's challenges scare me; do not ever let her challenge you to a fic...but, it was not THAT bad, was it? Oh, yes, and if you are going to flame me, make it interesting. If you say it sucks, I will agree with you...and we do not want that happening!  



End file.
